It began one night my senior year in high school. One of my best friends dropped me off at another friend’s house after work. Holly and I used to be inseparable. We did everything together, and now she had recently met a guy and started seriously dating him. Now, I never saw her. So this was a rare opportunity for us to talk. And that we did. I told her that she didn’t know me as well as she thought she did. I had attempted suicide. After a brief conversation, I walked in Hollie’s house (yes I had two best friends with the same name just different spellings) thinking that was the end of it all.
Now, I can only imagine how shocked Holly must have been. I was an A student, who didn’t do drugs. I had been to a hand full of parties that year, but there was really nothing in my life that would give anyone the sign of suicide. Plus, that is something that happens to the family down the street or on T.V. That doesn’t happen to someone you know and love. How is that possible?
There is no specific incident that started it. It was a culmination of several things. Feeling like I was being abandoned by the one person I thought I could always count on to be there (my best friend), fighting endlessly with my mom, and being busy with work and school and having what I thought was such a little social life. I mean, after all, in high school, you’re supposed to have a good social life. The problem is I did most of this to myself. I was beginning to come into my own, and I wanted my independence. I worked so much so I wouldn’t have to see my mom, because we fought so much. We fought so much, because I was never around. It was a vicious cycle. Of course, now all those “problems” aren’t really problems at all. But most 17 year olds just don’t know how to deal with most things.
I didn’t really want to kill myself, because if I did, I would’ve succeeded. Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that. I knew that I was unhappy and didn’t know what to do about it. Attempted suicide seemed like a quick fix. But in reality, it wasn’t the answer. It was about me getting attention and feeling wanted and needed. It was about someone paying attention to me and what was going on in my life. Granted this wasn’t the best way to do it, but try telling that to a 17 year old.
The next week at school, I got called into the counselor’s office. I had no idea what this could have possibly been about. I never got into trouble. As I walked to her office, it started to dawn on me. Did Molly say something? When I told her about my attempted suicide, I thought it ended there. It never occurred to me that she would say something.
As I talked with the counselor, she asked me why I did it, and I didn’t have a solid answer for her. She asked me if we should call my mom or my dad. I said, “Neither. I’ll just stop.” At the time, I thought I would. After all, I really didn’t want to die, I just wanted someone to notice me. They noticed me…and too much, so that’s was it for me. I didn’t need or want any more.
Well, the counselor called my dad. He was speechless. After talking for a very long time about what happened, we agreed I was see a therapist. Of course, I refused at first, because at the time, I thought that was for people who were crazy. And I wasn’t crazy.
Seeing a therapist ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me. At first, she had difficulties understanding why I did it. But she helped me to see things from a different perspectives and to listen to how I say certain things. To this day, I use what I was taught by that therapist.
The first thing every parent needs to know is that it not only happens to the neighbor down the street. It can happen to you and your child. If you are a parent and want to know how you can prevent this from happening to your kids, there are some signs to look for. Now, I’m not saying if you see these, your child is definitely attempting suicide.
When your child is pulling away from you pay attention. Every teen will pull away a little, because he/she is trying to find him/herself, but if they start shutting down, that’s different. When I came home from school or work, my mom would ask, “So how was your day?”
My reply, “Good” right before I would run upstairs.
Parents, don’t give up on your kids. If they won’t answer you or give you feedback, keep asking. Although they may say, “You’re bugging me” or “Leave me alone,” it lets them know that you care.
Parents need to get to know their kids’ friends and their parents. I know it’s hard when they become teens, but parents need to insist upon it. It may seem pushy or some may think rude, but if it saves your child’s life, then pushy or rude seems insignificant. If your child starts hanging out with friends you don’t think have a positive influence, keep a watchful eye. Hanging out with sketchy people can greatly impact your child’s life.
Also, be on the lookout for things that may not seem “normal.” If they have bruising or marks on their neck or lines on their wrists, this isn’t normal. I even had a friend who said to me, “When I see lines on someone’s wrist, I think they tried suicide.”
I said, “Oh really?”
She never brought it up again or did anything about it. When you have a friend who is willing to do something about it, that’s when you know she is a true friend.
After my high school years, Holly and I lost touch. We found out that we both moved to the same area in Texas and recently had lunch. I told her, “I’m sorry for everything I put you through and everything that was said. I know it was difficult for you to make the decision you made, but I’m thankful for it. Thank you for doing what you did, because what I learned has helped me several times in my life. So, I’m sorry and thank you for what you did.”
It was the apology I had waited 17 years to give, and probably the one she had waited just as long to hear. With tears in her eyes, she said, “Thank you for saying that.”
And with that, so much weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
My experience has brought me to the person I am today, but if I can help one parent, then that’s an accomplishment. If I can keep one person from thinking about or committing suicide, my life is a success.
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