Happy New Year and HELLO 2010

Almost another year has come and gone....and in this year it seems my life didn't change much. Well, a few things definitely stand out.

One of the more important ones is I found out my best friend from high school, Andrea Smith Cobb, past away. She actually died three years ago, but I just found out about it in September, the day after my birthday. Happy Birthday to me, right?! I drove to Tulsa a month later, for her birthday, to visit her grave. It was heartbreaking for me. I cried myself to sleep for three days after finding out about her death. A Braum's semi truck hit her car, with her mom, husband, two little boys and herself. Although her mom was badly injured, Andrea is the only one who died. Her sons and husband walked away without a scrape.

I met up with her mom at the beginning of November. She and I talked for several hours about Andrea, high school, and all the years in between. Although I hadn't talked to her in years, I still miss her, and I don't think that will change. I think of her often and never for one moment realized that when I begged to see her at our high school reunion (because she wasn't going to it) that would be my last time.

She was one of those people...the one who everyone loved. She treated everyone the same, was friendly, and always had a smile for you. She was caring, giving, and generous....and she made me laugh. Just seeing her made my day brighter, and I knew it was going to be a good one. Andrea was rare, and just having her in my life, makes me a better person. I find myself talking to her, knowing that she is watching over me and on my side no matter what. She is up there with my uncle, and they are having a good time laughing...probably at my expense. But that's okay, because I would be laughing right there with them.

Her boys were 3 and 7 when she died. Andrea's mom gives all she has to make sure they remember Andrea. The thing is...anyone who knew her will never forget her. She is just not a forgettable person...She is my friend, and even in her death, that can't be taken away.

Another memorable moment of 2009 is I met up with another high school friend who I haven't seen since high school. She and I live about 5 minutes away from each other, and we finally got together for lunch. It was a great time, and she is actually the one who told me about Andrea. I had been waiting for 17 years to meet up with her. I'm so pleased we finally had the chance, because I've missed her over the years.

Then there is Facebook....I got in touch with my dearest friend from high school. She didn't go to high school with me, but we met at work. I've missed her terribly throughout the years. She is still doing well in North Carolina...living what looks like the good life and enjoying it. I'm so happy for her. She and I shared so many good times.

Thank you, 2009, for all my many friend discoveries. I know 2010 will send vast career advancements and my wish man to me! So, goodbye to 2009, and HHHEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOO 2010! Here's looking at the new hope for MY CAREER and MY MAN! I hope you have a wonderful New Year and a better 2010! Best Wishes on all that awaits you!

It's Going To Be A Good Day

You know it's going to be a good day when you wake up with a cold sore, a zit on your neck, and your back still hurting from a fall on the ice two days ago.

Yes, I am just like everyone else, I break out sometimes, and every so often I get a cold sore, which I ABSOLUTELY HATE! When I get one, it pretty much ruins my day. I wish there was a shot, like a flu shot, where you don't get one again. I would have this shot daily if it stopped me from getting cold sores. I've done the research and even take L-Lysine daily, but it still doesn't help. Most people have the virus, but not everyone gets break outs. Dang, why can't I be one that doesn't get break outs?!

I bought Abreva, but it usually takes several days for the cold sore to disappear even with Abreva. Then I also went to a vitamin store to buy some more potent stuff. It is a highly strong spray, professional strength, so I'm hoping it only takes a couple of days to work. I just get so self conscious when I have a cold sore.

So, I didn't mess with the zit on my neck. It was one that was under the skin, so it was hurting so badly. The pressure of it is going away, so I'm glad I didn't mess with it, which I usually do...but it's still there. Maybe in a day, it will be gone completely.

Now to my back...On Christmas night, I went to my mom's house. It had iced the night before, but the streets were now clear. Her driveway wasn't, but I parked my car on it anyways. I went to my car to get presents out. I was in my trusty tennis shoes, just standing there, about to open my passenger back door...BOOM. I just fall. Yes, I know, how do I fall when I'm just standing there, not even moving? Well, it's Jessica's World, and anything is possible! So, as I'm lying flat on my back with my right palm scrapped, because I tried to break my fall, and my little brother walks to the car on the other side. As he stands in the grass, he asks, "Are you okay? Do you need help?"

As I tried unsuccessfully to get up, because my trusty tennis shoes keep sliding down the ice, due to lack of traction, I reply, "I'm okay, and yeah I could use some help."

He says, "Well, I'm over here."

By this time, I just keep sliding and somehow manage to get up on my own...no thanks to my brother, still standing safely on the grass. Thanks for the help : )

I walk in the house with my back/behind a little sore and tears slowly streaming down my face. So, I guess I should have known from this that I would be hurting for days. But to be honest, I never thought about it...as soon as I got inside we began our Christmas and never gave it another thought. I guess that's what happens when you're surrounded by family and having a good time.

The things that seem hard....aren't, because your thoughts are being occupied by the good times and fun. So, I hope like me, you may have a few tough or rough days, but the good times outweigh them. I certainly wish for you a happy holiday season and a great New Year's. Oh, and I hope you have many memorable moments....and remember to enjoy the times and live in the present!

I knew it was going to be a "good day" when I awoke to so many imperfect things, but I also know these types of days are rare, so I'll take it, knowing they don't happen too often...and there are many people who have it tougher...

In a few days, my back won't hurt, my zit will disappear as will my cold sore...that is until any of it happens again..or as my best friend, Marc says, "Jessica, your life is a comedy show." I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult....?? After all, it is Jessica's World, and it's always unpredictable...

Oprah's 10% Tipping Theory

I was talking with some co-workers today who told me that Oprah had recently said that in a time of economic crisis that it's okay to tip only 10%. Unlike so many of you, this is the first that I have actually heard of Oprah saying this. So, before emailing her, which I was about to do, I decided I needed to do some research. After all, I had not heard this myself, I was getting it from other people.

Now, I'm going to be honest, there are a few things that really bother me about tipping, but I'll get to that later. I looked up online about this Oprah and 10% tipping being okay thing. I did find a few people who say they actually saw the show where she made this statement. Many places I found said it was a rumor, and there was nothing to it.

Then there are others who say that Harpo took down the show where she made this statement, because it was getting too much negative backlash. I mean, this could be a real possibility. I was talking to my friend, Marc, once about something Oprah said on her show, and how I couldn't believe she said it. He said, "Sometimes you say something on live T.V. that sounds differently than the way you mean it to sound. But since it's live T.V. you can't take it back." Well, Oprah is live to tape, except on Fridays Live these days. So, technically, they can edit it. Nevertheless, I understand what he is saying. So, maybe Oprah didn't realize the backlash she would get from saying that it's okay to tip 10%, if in fact she said it.

Who really knows if she did? There is really no definitive answer.

On to what bothers me about tipping....IF you CAN'T afford a proper tip, then DON'T get the service! A PROPER tip is 20%!!! Not 15%! Not 18%! 20%! If the service is good, then tip OVER 20%! Twenty percent is average, and let me explain why...Because the server lives and make his/her living on ONLY the tips! And the server ISN'T getting the full 20%. He/She has to tip out the busser, bartender, sommelier, hostess, food runner, Maitre D', etc. There are plenty of people who get a percentage of the server's tips. So, the 20% that you think the server is getting, in reality, he/she may only be getting 75% of it...instead of the full 100%.

For instance, if you tip $20, thinking the server is getting $20. Actually, the server may only be getting $15.

If you buy wine, you MUST TIP on the wine, because the server HAS TO TIP out on the wine. So, if you are not tipping on the wine, then the server is paying for your to drink the wine! If you think, "Well, I'll just hand the sommelier $20, and deduct that tip from the server." THAT'S NOT the way to do it. Because the server is still having to tip out on the wine from his/her tips, and the sommelier is getting part of the server tips. So, you are really doing a lot of damage this way. Because not only is the server giving up some of his/her tips to the sommelier, you just doubled tips the sommelier for doing less work than the server has done. What good is that for anyone involved?

When you go out to eat, put yourself in the server's shoes. We are all allowed to have a bad day at work. When you have a bad day or when things don't go right for you, you are still getting paid the same amount of money. Well, maybe the server got in a car wreck before work or he/she is dealing with an illness in the family. You don't need to give a bad tip, because you just don't know what's going on in the server's life.

Also, if the food doesn't come out the way you want it, don't blame the server. He/She is not in the back cooking it. If the steak is not the right temperature, it's not the server's fault. If the restaurant is out of the wine you want, it's not the server's fault. He/She didn't do the wine inventory, nor does he/she order the wine. You don't give a bad tip, just because things don't go perfectly. Would we all like our restaurant experiences to be perfect? Absolutely! But when you are at work, do all of your days go perfectly??? NO! Then why would you deduct money from a server, because your day wasn't perfect?

You know you have had bad days, when things didn't go quite right...your boss didn't deduct from your salary, so don't do it to someone else. Consider what it's like to be a server...the different people you meet, the multitude of varying expectations, and the array of personalities. If you ever decide to give less than a 20% tip, then you NEED to get a job as a server, because your perspective would definitely change!

Wanting It Just a Little Easier

So, I've been frustrated a little this past week or so. I decided over a month ago that I was going to redesign my website, www.jessicarector.com. It took me a while and lots of time investigating who I would hire to design the site. I wanted a good looking one, but I was also on a budget. I was told about elance.com, which is a great site if you are looking to hire someone for a similar job. They also offer other services like sales and programming.

Anyways, I posted my job but had trouble deciding exactly who I wanted to design my site. I looked over several portfolios, and the compared the prices. The prices differed by several thousands, so was weighing the benefits and costs. I finally decided on someone to design the site.

Before they began, I needed to change my hosting company, because I needed to make sure the host could support what was going to be done. I also found some cheaper hosting companies online, so I was changing. I looked into several and finally decided on justhost.com.

I've had nothing but problems with them. They initially told me that I wouldn't have to redesign my site. I wanted to keep my same site as it was until the redesign was finished. When I went to look at my site, it didn't exist. Someone else told me I would have to start all over with my site.

I wanted to be able to find a clear, clean template, and there isn't one. Then it gave you sites where you can buy a template. Well, I certainly didn't want to do that, considering I was only going to have it for a few weeks. Then I had problems with the email. I couldn't send or receive emails.

I was just trying to upload a media file. I just did a new interview a week ago. It was edited and ready to be uploaded to the site. So I contacted justhost to find out how to upload a large media file. It would only let me upload one that was 10 MB and my media file was 21 MB. The first person told me that I needed to download an ftp program. I did that, but then I couldn't remember what else I needed to do, because I had to do this with my other hosting company. I contacted justhost again to ask what I needed to do next. This person told me that I wasn't allowed to put videos on my site.

Now, does that make any sense? Why am I not allowed to upload my own videos on my own site? I had spoken to other workers from justhost and no one bothered to tell me this before, so you can imagine how mad I was. The agent said it states this in their terms and conditions. Now...how many people actually read all the terms and conditions? Shouldn't they say this when you are signing up for their service or shouldn't someone ask when you call asking about their service. I called justhost three times asking all kinds of questions before I transferred my domain name to them. It doesn't say anything on their site about not being able to upload video files. I guess they really do expect everyone to read their 20 pages or so to their terms and conditions.

Of course I can't transfer my domain again for 60 days. So, I'm going to have a very pathetic looking website for 60 days. Then I had to email my new designer and let him know about this, because he was expecting it to go live when he was finished. I don't even know if he will be able to keep the formatted version for two months. I'm hoping he understands, especially since I have been very understanding with them. It has taken them two weeks and the home page isn't even finished. Oh, and he told me it would be completely finished in three weeks. So, I guess this buys him a little more time to finish the work.

It's just frustrating that justhost doesn't bother to tell new clients that video or audio files can't be uploaded. They don't have it anywhere on their site. It just seems like they are being a little sneaky about it, and I don't like that. I mean, can't you just be forthcoming with it.

I guess all I have left to say is, "Welcome to my world." Life is never easy...but in the end, it will all be worthwhile...and it will make a great story.

Giving Thanks

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I spent the time with my dad, two sisters, and nephew. We had the best turkey I've ever had. It was tender and moist. Oh, and I don't know about you, but one of my favorite parts is the skin from the turkey. I kept eating it, as my dad kept saying, "Do you know how bad that is for you?" Of course, like any good daughter, I didn't listen.

We had all the trimmings, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries, homemade stuffing (not cornbread but my mom's recipe is the best!), green bean casserole, ambrosia, and pumpkin pies. I actually forgot to make my cherry pie, but I will make it this weekend. I love desserts. I will make a pecan pie with chocolate chips for Christmas. That's my favorite..just put it in the microwave for 15-20 seconds before eating it. Top it with whipped or ice cream. It's scrummy!

My younger sister, an NICU nurse, had to work that evening, so I took her son and two lab puppies to the dog park. We were going to go earlier, but then I wanted to finish watching the Cowboys game. By the time that ended, I went to get the dogs and got to the park, it was about 7:30 pm. I didn't think that was too late, but apparently it was. It was dark, so my nine year old nephew didn't want to go, because we were also the only ones there. I told him, it was fine, and we slowly walked to the gates. It was quite chilly outside, and we both only wore a jacket. The boys had great fun...just being outside in a wide open space, although next time we need to go earlier so they make some friends.

We didn't stay long, because it was so cold outside. My nephew and I headed back home to watch our rented Star Trek. It was great fun. Hope your Thanksgiving was a good one too. Email me your holiday stories and pictures.

Finding New Flaws

Okay, is it just me or what?! I thought things were supposed to get better with age. I just don't understand, like really wrap my brain around it, how as I've gotten older things with my body change so much. I mean, really??

Okay, I used to have full, thick hair. Now, when I get out of the shower, I have to take a tissue, wrap it around the bottom of my hair and pull all the extra hairs that are dangling. I just don't understand it.

I thought breaking out was supposed to happen when you were a teenager. Well, I break out more now then I ever did then or in my twenties. I see a little, small, minute "bump" in my skin, and I continue to pick, squeeze, and mess with it, until it turns into a red patch. I see my "huge" pores and just keep picking at them, as if doing this is going to make the pore disappear or even shrink. I don't even have one of those magnifying mirrors...the ones where you can see the smallest thing on your face and think it's a volcano about to explode. Shoot, if I had this mirror, I may never leave the bathroom. My biggest flaw is finding these small insignificant imperfections on my chest and creating a red mountain. Then I kick myself for picking at something that barely existed. But now I've messed with it so much, that it's definitely going to be there for at least another week. Why oh why do I do this?

I have no concrete answer for this one...and I wish I did. If I see some minute imperfection in my skin, it's like something takes over in my brain. I am no longer Jessica, and I become The Picker. I obsess and obsess about the bump...not stopping until I've torn my skin apart.

I went to the dermatologist once and saw an act that he performed on my skin. I had this white spot that looked like a zit underneath the skin, which in fact it was. It was a pimple that refused to break through the top layer of skin. So he took a small needle to break the skin and then a tool that pressed around the pimple to bring out the white. When I saw how easy this was to do, I thought, "If this ever happens again, I can do this on my own."

It has happened again...and I've tried on my own. I get a sterilized needle, poke the top layer of skin and then squeeze. Okay, a few times, it has worked perfectly...after I figured out how to exactly maneuver the needle and poke exactly where it needs to be. Other times, it doesn't work at all, and all I managed to draw is a little blood, which turns into a scab. But I'm willing to endure this for the possibility that I can get the perfect stick and drawn the stubborn pimple out. The things I go through to have great skin ends up making my skin worse than if I would have just left it alone to begin with.

I'm trying to be patient and know that as I'm getting older, losing a few strands of hair, my skin is changing too, which I absolutely hate. My once unseen pores look as though they are growing overnight. Dare I say...I can even see a slight sagging in the face. Oh my, I hate to say it...I'm not obsessed, I'm just concerned and want to do all I can to remain looking that way I'm used to looking. I'm not saying I want to look like a teenager or a twenty year old. I'm just saying that I don't want things to be changing...or not so quickly, as where it seems to happen overnight.

So, I won't become obsessed if you don't. I won't worry about me changing if you don't. I won't pick, mess with, or squeeze if you don't. I refuse to see those "volcano" on my skin if you refuse. I'll give up my needle sticking days, if you do...I'll remain the non-getting zits in my younger days woman, if you do. I won't give a thought to any bumps, pimples, or skin imperfections, if you won't....So ladies throw away that magnifying mirror and realize that the minute, small thing you see in your skin will go away quicker if you just let it be. There won't be a red mark, a scab or scar. So leave it alone, stop looking in the mirror, and don't give it another thought....Okay, well maybe one more thought!

The Fun Times of Online Dating

So for those of you who don't know, I'm a single 35 year old woman, who has never been married and has no kids.  I've found in the last year, that if you don't meet someone in school or at work, where do you go to meet them?  I haven't got a clue.  Let me back up and give you a little bit about my "love life" or lack thereof.

When I was younger I used to play the game MASH (mansion, apartment, shack, and house).  For those of you who don't know this game, let me explain it a little for you.  My girlfriend (really a variety of friends) and I would get a piece of paper and pencil.  Then you write "MASH" at the top.  Then you select different categories with three choices in each category.  The "must" categories were Men, Bridesmaids, Car, Kids (number of kids), Location (where you live) and Age (how old you would be when you got married).  There could be so many other categories that you would add at your discretion.  When you chose three for each category, you would close your eyes, while your friend made marks on the page.  Then she would count those marks, and let's say they add to 5.  Then she could count the answers and mark out the fifth one, then count five more and mark it out.  She would do this until one answer was left under each category.

My point is when I played this game, under the Age category for when I would get married, my answer would be 21, 22, 23, sometimes even 19.  Because at the age of 8 or 9, my early twenties seemed old.  I never, not even once, put down anything in the vicinity of 30 as my answer.  Now, I'm 35, and I haven't even remotely found someone I would even consider marrying.  

Now some would say, that I am picky.  But my answer to this is...why wouldn't I be picky.  Why would I choose to spend the rest of my life with someone that I'm just "so-so" about?  How does that make sense.  I mean, I want it all, but then again, everyone should want it all for him/herself....whatever it all means for them.  

Since I have yet to find someone and really don't have any ideas where to look, I decided to try online dating.  Now one of my good friends married a guy she met online, 10 years ago, when it wasn't what it is today.  I have another friend who met his girlfriend of 1 1/2 years online.  So, I thought it's worth a shot, right?

Well, I actually met someone who I thought was a great guy, Craig.  He was a professional skier, who was busy getting ready for the Olympics in 2010.  He was in great shape and was good looking, although he looked 13 years younger than his 36 years.  I liked that he was ambitious and goal oriented.  He even had a graduate degree.  He would give me details on his day and ask about me.  He answered all of my questions and gave me information about himself.  He would even make silly comments about things I mentioned in my emails.  He drew me in with every email he sent.  

I also started getting emails from another guy, Vern (name changed) who had a 5 1/2 year old kid who lived in Florida.  Vern was 52, and I emailed him back once but wasn't interested.  He emailed me several more times, even though I never replied to him.  

Craig then tells me he thinks I'm too old for him at 35, because his life is being a skier.  By the time the Olympics are over, he will be 37 and it will take him a few years to get settled in a job and make enough money to provide for a family.  I was devastated...not only was I very attracted to this guy, but I was sad that someone sad I was too old at 35.  I never in my life thought 35 was too old...for anything!

Well, to make a long story short, I talked to him and find out that Craig and Vern are one and the same person...and let me tell you, I NEVER saw this one coming.   But it's really the 52 year old Vern who is acting like he is Craig.  He tells me some pathetic story that tries to validate what he did.  He said Craig was still him, everything he said was true only 10 years ago.  To me, it was all a lie, because "Craig" would say things he did one day that really never happened.  If you lie to me, that's something I have problems getting past.  

More than his lying, he made me doubt myself...I second guessed being 35, and knowing that it's not too old.  I thought, "If 35 is too old, I'm never going to get married and have kids."  I also thought, "How is 35 too old?"

This online incident did teach me a thing or two...One is not to every allow someone else to doubt you or what you believe.  Also, don't let someone else try to manipulate you into doing or believing something, that you heart/gut tells you otherwise.  I know I'm going to have to go through a lot of toads to find my prince, but gosh, I'm already getting impatient.  And I thought about this, right after it happened and wondered if I should stop looking online for my prince.  Then I thought, "Why am I going to let someone who doesn't mean anything to me interfere with my goals?"  

Well, I'm not, and neither should you!  We will find some creeps along the way, but who said finding your "wish man"...the guy I wish I had....was ever going to be easy.  If it was, I would sit on my couch, and he would come knocking at my door.  Then again, this isn't a fairytale, although I am proactively seeking my prince...and if he looked like George Clooney, Michael Vartan or Wentworth Miller, that definitely wouldn't hurt the cause.  Keep an open mind, open heart and open eyes.  He could be walking past you in the grocery story, standing next to you in line or sitting at the next restaurant table.  I'm always on the scope out, and you should be too, because GMW (George, Michael, Wentworth) may be walking in front of you, and if you blink your eyes, someone else will be marrying your husband. 

17 Year Apology and Preventing Suicide

It began one night my senior year in high school.  One of my best friends dropped me off at another friend’s house after work.  Holly and I used to be inseparable.  We did everything together, and now she had recently met a guy and started seriously dating him.  Now, I never saw her.  So this was a rare opportunity for us to talk.  And that we did.  I told her that she didn’t know me as well as she thought she did.  I had attempted suicide.  After a brief conversation, I walked in Hollie’s house (yes I had two best friends with the same name just different spellings) thinking that was the end of it all.

Now, I can only imagine how shocked Holly must have been.  I was an A student, who didn’t do drugs.  I had been to a hand full of parties that year, but there was really nothing in my life that would give anyone the sign of suicide.  Plus, that is something that happens to the family down the street or on T.V.  That doesn’t happen to someone you know and love.  How is that possible?

There is no specific incident that started it.  It was a culmination of several things.  Feeling like I was being abandoned by the one person I thought I could always count on to be there (my best friend), fighting endlessly with my mom, and being busy with work and school and having what I thought was such a little social life.  I mean, after all, in high school, you’re supposed to have a good social life.  The problem is I did most of this to myself.  I was beginning to come into my own, and I wanted my independence.  I worked so much so I wouldn’t have to see my mom, because we fought so much.  We fought so much, because I was never around.  It was a vicious cycle.  Of course, now all those “problems” aren’t really problems at all.  But most 17 year olds just don’t know how to deal with most things.

I didn’t really want to kill myself, because if I did, I would’ve succeeded.  Of course, at the time, I didn’t know that.  I knew that I was unhappy and didn’t know what to do about it.  Attempted suicide seemed like a quick fix.  But in reality, it wasn’t the answer.  It was about me getting attention and feeling wanted and needed.  It was about someone paying attention to me and what was going on in my life.  Granted this wasn’t the best way to do it, but try telling that to a 17 year old. 

The next week at school, I got called into the counselor’s office.  I had no idea what this could have possibly been about.  I never got into trouble.  As I walked to her office, it started to dawn on me.  Did Molly say something?  When I told her about my attempted suicide, I thought it ended there.  It never occurred to me that she would say something. 

As I talked with the counselor, she asked me why I did it, and I didn’t have a solid answer for her.  She asked me if we should call my mom or my dad.  I said, “Neither.  I’ll just stop.”  At the time, I thought I would.  After all, I really didn’t want to die, I just wanted someone to notice me.  They noticed me…and too much, so that’s was it for me.  I didn’t need or want any more.

Well, the counselor called my dad.  He was speechless.  After talking for a very long time about what happened, we agreed I was see a therapist.  Of course, I refused at first, because at the time, I thought that was for people who were crazy.  And I wasn’t crazy.

Seeing a therapist ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me.  At first, she had difficulties understanding why I did it.  But she helped me to see things from a different perspectives and to listen to how I say certain things.  To this day, I use what I was taught by that therapist. 

The first thing every parent needs to know is that it not only happens to the neighbor down the street.  It can happen to you and your child.  If you are a parent and want to know how you can prevent this from happening to your kids, there are some signs to look for.  Now, I’m not saying if you see these, your child is definitely attempting suicide. 

When your child is pulling away from you pay attention.  Every teen will pull away a little, because he/she is trying to find him/herself, but if they start shutting down, that’s different.  When I came home from school or work, my mom would ask, “So how was your day?”

My reply, “Good” right before I would run upstairs.

Parents, don’t give up on your kids.  If they won’t answer you or give you feedback, keep asking.  Although they may say, “You’re bugging me” or “Leave me alone,” it lets them know that you care. 

Parents need to get to know their kids’ friends and their parents.  I know it’s hard when they become teens, but parents need to insist upon it.  It may seem pushy or some may think rude, but if it saves your child’s life, then pushy or rude seems insignificant.  If your child starts hanging out with friends you don’t think have a positive influence, keep a watchful eye.  Hanging out with sketchy people can greatly impact your child’s life.

Also, be on the lookout for things that may not seem “normal.”  If they have bruising or marks on their neck or lines on their wrists, this isn’t normal.  I even had a friend who said to me, “When I see lines on someone’s wrist, I think they tried suicide.” 

I said, “Oh really?”

She never brought it up again or did anything about it.  When you have a friend who is willing to do something about it, that’s when you know she is a true friend.

After my high school years, Holly and I lost touch.  We found out that we both moved to the same area in Texas and recently had lunch.  I told her, “I’m sorry for everything I put you through and everything that was said.  I know it was difficult for you to make the decision you made, but I’m thankful for it.  Thank you for doing what you did, because what I learned has helped me several times in my life.  So, I’m sorry and thank you for what you did.”

It was the apology I had waited 17 years to give, and probably the one she had waited just as long to hear.  With tears in her eyes, she said, “Thank you for saying that.”

And with that, so much weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

My experience has brought me to the person I am today, but if I can help one parent, then that’s an accomplishment.  If I can keep one person from thinking about or committing suicide, my life is a success.

Kidney Donation and Saving a Live

Did you know over 4,500 people die each year waiting for a kidney?  That seems like a lot of unwanted deaths, when people like you and me can help them.  You only need one kidney to survive, so why don’t more people volunteer theirs?  I know there are many people who can’t.  If you have a genetic disease, high blood pressure, kidney stones or other dilemmas, you may be disqualified.  But there are millions of us out there who can, but don’t, donate a kidney. 

            I was recently talking to my sister about this, because I’ve registered to donate a kidney at www.matchingdonors.com.  She said she wouldn’t consider it, because what if her son needs one in the future.  My reply to her was, “What if I walked across the street tomorrow and got hit by a bus.”  My point is what if…we could ask those questions all day and all night.  We would never have the exact answer of what might or will happen. 

            According to Organ Procurement and Transplantation network, over 80,600 people are on the list for a kidney transplant, and the number needing kidneys has risen by 86%, while only 31% receive kidneys.  That’s 55% of people not getting kidneys.  That’s 55% of people that we, you and me, can save.

            I realize it’s a sacrifice to give up something…an organ…to someone that you don’t know.  I realize that it’s giving up something, a part, of who you are.  But really you are giving someone else something so much more.  You are giving someone, a mother, a grandfather, a child…life.  What better gift can you give someone?.  Really there isn’t one. 

            Consider you needed a kidney…consider your sister, dad, grandma, niece, or child needed a kidney, but you weren’t a match.  Your brother, mom, grandchild, none of them were matches.  No one in your family matched the one person you loved more than anything else…anyone else.  But no one you knew matched them…no one you knew could donate to them.  What would you do?  What wouldn’t you do to find a kidney for them?  After all, if they didn’t get one, their life would be cut short, not just by months but by several years.  What sacrifice would you make?  Who would you contact?  What boundaries would you cross to find that kidney, to save your loved ones life?

            Well, there are so many people in that position right now.  People who want, desperately, someone to search into his/her heart and be willing to donate a kidney.  They are willing to do just about anything to have their spouse, cousin, mother, son live years longer. 

            What makes us, you and me, so blessed that we don’t have to worry about kidney failure, kidney disease, dialysis, end stage, or any other negative terms associated with poor kidneys?  What makes us so special that we have two good working kidneys, while others are suffering…not even having one working? 

            If you have ever had someone you love die from kidney failure, like I have, and not been able to do anything about it, then maybe this would hold a little special place in your heart.  Maybe you could sympathize with so many families who might lose the people they love, and there is nothing they can do about it.  Well, there is something you and I can do about it. 

            We can know our blood type.  I know mine, because I wanted to help my grandfather over half my life ago by donating blood.  He and I had the same blood type.  When he got really sick, I told my dad I wanted to donate a kidney to him.  He wasn’t cleared for it at the time, but I was willing anyways.  When he finally went on dialysis, it was too late.  He had one treatment before he died of kidney failure. 

            Five years ago, one of my good friends, at 31 years old, died of kidney failure.  And again, there was nothing I could do about it.  So, with this in mind, there is plenty I can do about helping educate others on kidney donation. 

            I understand the uncertainty of donating to an unknown person.  I understand you might be scared.  I also understand if you have a family and want to provide for them.  If nothing else, make sure you are a donor on your drivers license. 

            Also, think of this…what makes you and I so special that we don’t have to worry about our kidneys failing?  I believe things are meant to happen.  When my sister asked me, “What happens if your nephew needs a kidney, and you gave your away?” 

            I replied to her, “He has plenty of people that can get tested to donate.  Many people don’t have anyone else.”

            She then said, “Well, that doesn’t mean they will match.  What if you need it one day for yourself or your kids?”

            I replied to her, “It doesn’t mean I will either.  And I believe if I gave mine up, and I need another one some day, then someone will be out there somewhere giving me one.”

            There are 4,500 people who will die this year from not receiving a kidney.  You can help one…it is just one, but it is one.  Who know what that one person will and can do one day, all because you gave up something, a kidney, that you didn’t need anyways.  Imagine how your life will change by helping that one person.  All it takes is helping one person, because then that one person helps another, and that person helps another.  So, you could actually help millions by donating your kidney to one person.  Saving another life, what could ever be better than that!

35...and Finally Had a Real Date

  So, this is the follow up to my previous article 30 and Never Had a Real Date.  Well, I turned 35 about a month ago, and I finally had a real date.  Yeah for me !!!!  I met a guy through an online dating site, because let’s face it, I won’t pretend to know where to go to meet single guys these days.  I mean if you don’t meet them at work, school, or through friends, where do you meet them.  I’m not the bar/club type of person, and I don’t know anyone who can set me up with guys.  So, that leaves very few options.

            Anyways, we emailed a few times before we talked on the phone.  The conversations on the phone went very well.   The first conversation lasted 4 hours and the second lasted 6 hours, on Monday and Tuesday respectively.  Then we met up for drinks late on Friday.  We were both a little nervous, after all with the conversations going so well, I had some type of expectations, as I’m sure he did too.  The conversation was a little slow at first, but after the second drink, it went better.

            We agreed to meet up on Sunday for our first actual date.  We had this day planned and decided during the week.  After our two great conversations, we agreed to meet up on Fri for a pre-date.  So, technically Sunday was my first real date.  Now the poor guy didn’t have any idea that I had never had a real date.  I mean, he did tell me on Friday that he Googled me.  If you do the same, you will notice many things come up.  So, when he said this, I was shocked and surprised and even cringed a little, because I wasn’t sure what he read or saw about me.  Now, I’m sure you can imagine, I certainly didn’t want him seeing that I had never had a real date…that wouldn’t be a great way to just meet someone, “By the way I’ve never had a real date, no pressure : )”  I thought I would wait at least until I knew he liked me more to break this news to him.

            Anyways on Sunday, we were going to eat and walk around this outside area to “explore,” as he put it, which I wasn’t really sure what that meant, but I was up for it anyways.  After all, I had never had a real date.  Then he said the weather might not be too good, so he suggested the usual movie and dinner.  I said to him, “I guess that’s fine if you are already tired of talking to me.”  He laughed, but I guess he was, because we ended up doing dinner and a movie. 

            It went okay, but the conversation was more difficult this time.  I felt like I was the one who kept instigating the conversation, and if I didn’t ask questions or talk, there was only silence.  I liked the guy, so we went out a few more times.  After a month, I realized that my intuition was right, there was no emotional connection.  So, I ended it.  Now I realize I should’ve listened to my instincts and not kept going out with him for even a month.  I know what my likes/dislikes are, what my interests are, and what I want in a man.  This guy didn’t know any of these things about himself, which is fine in your twenties.  In your thirties, if you don’t know these things about yourself, you’re never going to find someone that lifts you, because you don’t even know who you are.

            Now, after finally having my first real date, I realize that I really haven’t been missing out on so much….the awkward conversations, the nervousness, the uncertainty, etc.  Then again, I could look at it as the appeal of meeting someone new, good conversation, and who knows how this person can change my life….right?  This is going to be a long road for me to find the man of my dreams, and I just started.  I do wish I would’ve started the whole “looking for the man of my dreams” a little while ago, because I realize it’s not just going to take one or two guys.  It may take me several years.  At the age of 35, and wanting a family, I don’t feel like I have several years.

            Which leads me to….okay, so I’ve tried all kinds of online dating sites, Match Eharmony, Plenty of fish, Sugardaddie, Millionairematch, Dateamillionaire, among I’m sure another one or two I can’t think of.  Now, I have only joined a few, but I’m registered on all of these, and for some reason I can’t find a good looking, interesting, with a good personality guy.  The guys that I find attractive or appealing don’t email me back, whereas the guys I’m not interested in email me.  So, what gives?  I’m a reasonably attractive, educated, fun, witty, adventurous, traveling gal, but for some reason I’m not attracting the men I want.  What’s the secret? 

            I mean if it’s going to take me several guys to find the man of my dreams, and I don’t know where to look besides online dating, and I can’t find any one to whom I’m attracted to respond to my emails, does that mean I’m going to be single forever???  Gosh, I hope not.  So, ladies and gentlemen, please, please, please, write me a comment and give me some advice on where I can go to find someone to whom I might be interested.  Tell me what’s the secret to writing a great online profile.  I’ve even read advice on how to write a great online profile, and obviously that’s not even working for me. 

            Granted, I’m the type of person who wants results now.  I wasn’t expecting to find my dream man in the first real date I’ve ever had, but a girl can hope can’t she?  I did find this great guy, or who seems to be a great guy (screen name Bamfum on a couple of sites) but I think he is not a paid member.  I’m really wanting to talk to him…just to see what would happen.  Of course, I need to get over that, because it’s completely out of my control….so I’ll just keep him in the back of my mind, just in case: ) 

            So let me put this out there to you…the guy I’m looking for isn’t perfect, because I know I’m not perfect.  He just has to be perfect for me.  He has to be attractive, ambitious, fun, be able to laugh at himself (because I’m the first to laugh at myself), supportive, challenge me, able to handle sarcasm (I can be quite sarcastic—but not in a judgmental negative way), outgoing, adventurous, a traveler, love to explore/try new things…okay, so good luck to meJ….But, I also know he is out there.  So, if you are looking for your “wish man,” as I like to call mine, because he is the man I wish I had, make sure you have a list (at least in your head) of who you are looking for and on what you are willing to compromise.  Since I’ve waited this long to find my “wish man,” I have to be willing to give up George (Clooney), Michael (Vartan) and Wentworth (Miller) for this guy, so he HAS to be one spectacular man.  Nothing else will (or should) do….and it should be the same for you.  Don’t give up, no matter how old you are, age is only relative after all, your “wish man” is out there.  You just have to keep looking…no matter how many men or years it takes.  Wish us luck!

Searching for the One and Bamfum

 I must be honest, it has taken me some time to be ready in my life to want to find that special someone.  It’s not that I didn’t want to find him before, but now I’m on a mission to find him. 

            There was a time a few years ago where I didn’t know if I ever wanted to get married and have kids.  I feel that not every woman has to be a wife and/or a mother in order to feel fulfilled.  I know many of you will disagree with that, but I don’t think every woman should be a mother; and I wasn’t going to be one just because society thought I should.  I only wanted to be one, if and when I was ready to be one.

            Last year, I volunteered in Africa and everything changed.  I worked in an HIV/AIDS clinic and an orphanage.  I bonded with the most unlikely people, and when I got home, I knew I wanted to get married and have kids.  There was a set of twin girls, 8 years old, who if I could have taken back with me, I would have.  I fell in love with Queenie and Princess, which is what they called themselves, and I knew it was time.

            Well, before I can think about having kids, I so desperately, like so many of you out there, want to find my soul mate, the one I can’t live without.  I didn’t know this would be such an undertaking.  Not that I thought it would come easily, but it seems all my friends have had no problems finding their husbands, why is it such a task for me? 

            I understand that I’m picky, but if I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this person, shouldn’t I be picky?  There are certain things I want, that I’m sure many other women want as well….I want someone who is respectful, generous, and loving.  I also want him to be financially stable and ambitious.  Being with someone who lives paycheck to paycheck makes for a difficult relationship and doesn’t leave a woman with a sense of security, especially if you want kids one day.  I would like him to have goals, because if he can’t challenge himself, he certainly won’t be able to challenge me. 

I’m tall (5’9”), so I want someone who is taller than I am, 5’11” or taller would be nice.  Now I know you might think this is really being picky, but I’ve gone out with a guy shorter than I am, and I just never felt comfortable with it.   

I like adventure and traveling, so it would be great if he shared in those, especially traveling.  But what I really want is someone who I’m attracted to who is also going to treat me well…someone who is a good conversationalist and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. 

Now the problem arises.  Where do I go find this attractive, tall, financially stable, ambitious, loving, traveling man?  I don’t like the bar/club scene.  If you don’t meet him at work or school, there leaves little options. 

So I’m currently trying the online dating thing.  It’s going okay, but not great.  The people that seem to like my profile, I’m not interested in.  The guys I like, don’t seem to be interested in me.  What gives? 

I did find this username Bamfum on a couple of sites that I looked on.  But who is Bamfum?  I like what his profile said, and I find him very attractive.  Yes, he is tall at 6’8”, but I don’t have his real name.  Obviously on the online sites, they don’t publish their real names.  He also hasn’t been on the sites in a while, so who knows if he will ever go back on them.  I’m so fascinated with him that I can’t get him off my mind.  That just sounds terrible, considering I’ve never met or even talked to Bamfum.  I emailed him once, but he hasn’t been on the site to even read it….which brings me to this question….    

Have you ever seen someone in passing, at a restaurant, grocery story, and you were drawn to this person for some reason but never said anything to him?  Then as the hours went on, the days passed, you kept thinking of him…wishing you had said something, anything?  But in that moment that you saw him, you didn’t know what to say.  You knew he wasn’t wearing a ring, but that’s all you knew.  You didn’t know how to approach him, how to start a conversation, or you are shy? 

So as I continue on my long journey of finding my future husband, wish me luck, as I wish you luck.  I find this task is going to be grueling, but I know it will be really worth it in the end, because I KNOW he is out there…somewhere looking for me as I’m looking for him.  And keep in mind, I’ve found that not saying something…anything…even hi will eat you up more than you trying to start a conversation.  Who knows what “hi” can lead to…he just might be “the ONE.”  So, Bamfum, if you’re out there, I just want to say, “Hi.”

On Oprah: You Can Help Others

I don’ t know how many of you watched Oprah today, Thursday Oct 1. I haven’t watched Oprah in a while, but today I happened to watch it, and I’m so thrilled I did. We all know that Oprah has helped millions of people. This is your turn to contribute by helping many other women. Let me start by telling you a little bit about Oprah’s episode, in case you missed it. Then I will tell you how you can help numerous women in third world countries, because when you give to them, you are giving to the world.

A lady, Tererai Tren, from Zimbabwe had a dream 20 years ago. Her dream was to come to The United States, get a B.S., get an Masters, and then get a Ph D. That was her dream. She didn’t know how she was going to do it. After all, she wasn’t allowed to go to school, hid the fact that she did her brother’s homework, was married at the age of 11 and had three kids at 18. She wrote her dream on a piece of tin and buried it under a rock, what she used as a desk to do her brother’s homework. She made it to Oklahoma and graduated with her B.S. She took care of her five kids and a husband with HIV, worked two jobs, and studied for her MBA. Now, she will finish her Ph D by the end of the year.

Another lady, Saima Muhammand from the Congo was beaten by her husband whose debt had risen so high that it would keep generations in debt. When Saima had two daughters, her husband wanted to take on another wife to produce a son. Saima then decided to take things into her own hands. She took out a $65 loan, and with this loan, she negotiated and bought beads for embroidery in which to sell at the market. With the profit, she bought more supplies. Now she owns and operates a very profitable business, and people come to her for loans. She paid back her loan, paid off her husband’s debt, and had enough money to buy the more cherished possession…a television. The people who once made fun of her, now come to her house to watch TV.

Why should you care about women living so far away?  You are worried about your own lives, how you are going to get your kids to their events, or what you are going to cook for dinner.  We all want to feel a bond or connection with another person, and that connection can be felt through ourselves and others.  We all want to know we matter.  

Just by giving a little of ourselves, we can impact so many others. When I went to Africa last year, I realized this. The things that mean so much to us…our materialistic things…don’t matter to people in third world countries. They don’t have the same perspective as we do. They want to be able to provide for their families….giving them food, running water, and electricity. They don’t care about electronics, fancy cars, or extravagant restaurants. They want to know they have money for food. They want to be able to give their children an education, a high school education. It’s truly amazing when I saw this first hand in Africa. I saw what it’s like to not have money for food. When a mother couldn’t afford $1 a day for food for their family. The only way they could feed their kids is by going to a soup kitchen, where the poverty owners had to use their own money to fund the kitchens. Running water is a luxury many can’t afford. These people don’t have money for clothes, toothpaste or deodorant, yet the government makes it mandatory for their school kids to buy uniforms. If families don’t have money for necessities, why does their government make them buy uniforms in order to attend school? So you can imagine how many kids don’t go to school…not because they don’t want to. The little things make a huge difference to these kids. When I was in Africa, I ran into a group of kids that were not in school. They said it was raining in the morning. If they went to school, they would be completely wet all day and their clothes wouldn’t dry. I opened my backpack. I took out my only umbrella and handed it to one of them as I said, “Next time it rains, now you can go to school.” Smiles covered their faces, as the thought of an umbrella making someone’s day crossed my mind. I never really thought about how one small gesture, one small thing, could make THAT much of a difference in someone else’s life. Now, I believe the small things make more of an impact at times than the bigger ones. With your help, only a few dollars a month, kids can go to school and get an education. Women in the Congo and other third world countries want to be sponsored. They have the desire and hope to fulfill their dreams, knowing that if one person believes in them, they can start their own business, get an education, or provide for their family. When you help and sponsor one woman, you ignite a nation. When one woman is empowered, she empowers her kids, her community and the world. She passes her enlightenment on, while improving the lives of so many others. She can and does move mountains, when someone gives her wind under her wings. Imagine how many lives can be impact when you choose to help one other, and she passes it on to those around her, and they pass it on to those around them. Before you know it, the country is changed, the continent is changed…and the world is changed, making it a better place for everyone. So take the time and give a little of yourself. It’s not much money. Maybe you can skip going out to dinner once a month or buying that pair of jeans to go along with the other ten in your closet. It’s not only about the money. Yes, they do need the money, but it also gives them permission to have confidence and to feel whole. It gives them a sense of security, knowing they have the means to give their family food. It instills respect in themselves and reiterates their intelligence. When you sponsor a woman, it’s also allows them to connect with you through letters. They cherish the letters and the bond they establish, knowing you help them fulfill their destiny. So, help women everywhere, by sponsoring and giving a little of yourself. It extends much farther than a dinner out.

Scamming on the Internet

Okay, so I just want to share a story with you that happened to me recently.  As some of you may know, I’m currently looking for investors for my talk show.  Well, I have an investor video up on YouTube, so I’m guessing that’s how this person found me.  

Someone by the name of Andries Boekel*** emailed me saying he was interested in investing in my company.  He said that he saw my show and that he was a huge fan.  

I replied to him by saying that I would answer any questions that he might have.  He emailed me back asking how much I had in saving and how much I needed for the investment.  

I told him I needed $500,000 for 20% of my company for the investment.  I never told him how much I had in savings, because it is none of his business, assuming he was a legitimate investor.

He had emailed me a will saying he inherited 5.1 million dollars from Edwin Gabriel and a copy of his passport.  Well, he was from the Netherlands, and I have no idea if the passport was even valid.  He said he would send me the $500,000, but I would need to pay a fee for “the security of the money.”  He would have to ask his accountant what the fee would be.

I replied that I hoped it wasn’t a scam, because no legitimate investor would be asking me for money.  I told him how I found scams online about Edwin Gabriel (at least two pages on Google saying Edwin Gabriel died leaving 5.1 million dollars—the exact same amount he said he inherited).

He emailed back saying his accountant fee would be $750, it wasn’t a scam and how he sent the documents and his passport.  He even said that I had his IP address.  What would that do for me, if I sent him the $750, and he didn’t send me the $500,000.  My lawyer couldn’t sue him being in another country.  What good would an IP address do?  Absolutely nothing with him being in The Netherlands.

Anyways, I did contact my lawyer, after asking two friends.  My lawyer said that each party is responsible for their own fees.  Also, I had told Andries if it wasn’t a scam then he could just deduct the $750 from the $500,000.  He refused to do that….so you know it’s a scam.  I emailed him saying what my lawyer said and that legitimate investors don’t ask the business for money in order for them to invest.

I just want to help those of you who might get a similar email or think someone may be trying to scam you.  First, trust your gut instincts.  When I got the initial email, I thought, “Wow!”  My gut said, this is too good to be true, someone is just emailing me wanting to invest.?.  Of course, a little part of me really wanted it to be true.  This can be the case with any of us.  When we really want something bad enough, pertaining to anything, we need to try and take our emotions out of it.  We need to make sure we are thinking 100% with our heads, otherwise, we may get taken advantage of.

Secondly, look for the red flags.  Red flags mean there is something not quite right.  Make sure you pay attention to them and not just brush them aside because you don’t want them to be true.

Next, ask around.  Tell your friends and ask their advice.  They won’t have the emotional component involved and will be able to look at it from an outsiders point of view.

Next, do your own research.  I googled the information and immediately found what I was looking for.  One the will Andries sent me, there was the name of a bank.  I emailed the bank and asked them if they dispersed the money to Andries Boekelman.  They emailed me back telling me not to reply to the email, and that it was a scam.  They sent it to their investigation department, and to let them know if something else arises.

Finally, ask your lawyer or an expert.  They should know what is best to do…and it may be worth spending the money to have them look at any documents.

Let me know if you have come into any of these situations, I would love to hear from you…..Beware, because they might appear in the least likely places.  Who would have thought someone would take advantage of someone who is trying to fulfill her dreams and help people.  I even told him this…that it is a dream to expand and grow my company in order to help more people.  These people are ruthless and know what to say to take advantage of their targets.  Don’t let yourself get taken advantage of and be their next target!  Make sure you protect yourself, research, and listen to your instincts!

Oprah Quitting??

Did you hear the news today?  That Oprah is no going to quit her talk show after her 25th season, which will be Sept 9, 2011.  I knew there was a possibility this could happen, but I was actually a little excited.

Now, I know this may sound selfish to many.  First let me say how much she has inspired so many people.  There is no denying how much she has done for this world, but I also believe she will continue to thrive even after her show ends.  I know her work is actually just beginning.  She has so much goodness left in her.

With that, let me explain why I was a little excited when I heard the news.  I have an internet television talk show, The JESSICARECTOR Show, where real people share life experiences in order to make a difference and change the world.  It's similar to some of the stories that Oprah has on her show.  I feel there is a need in the market for these type of shows....talk shows that are not based around celebrities.  

There are so many stories that have impacted millions of people worldwide.  Think of non-profit organizations or causes.  Think of how they began.  Susan G. Komen started as one promise between two sisters...that no one would have to suffer from breast cancer.  Susan G. Komen and The Race for the Cure has helped millions and raised over 1.3 billion dollars.  What is your story and how many people can it help?  

That's my goal...to help as many people as I can by providing a forum, The JESSICARECTOR Show, where they can share their story.  So many people feel as though they are not being heard.  Now, their voices are being heard.  Not only does it give guests an opportunity to lift up themselves, but it inspires others to feel comfortable in sharing their life experiences.  It allows them to not feel guilt, shame, or resentment.  It frees them from any negative feelings, giving them the wings to truly be who they are.  Stories inspire, motivate, empower, and educate others.  What can your story do for others.

So, with this in mind, when Oprah decided to stop her talk show, I got a little tingle inside.  Because when she leaves daytime, there will be a large gap, that every network will be trying to fill.  As much as I've heard over the past year, Jessica Rector is the next Oprah.  I don't want to be the next Oprah.  It's a compliment that people are saying that, but I want to be the first Jessica Rector...because as my name states, JESSICARECTOR, I CARE.  I want people to know my show, because of how many people it has helped or inspired.  The more people who know my show, the more people it has helped.  Helping people is what the show is about, and you having the power to help others.  I want you to share your story, because one person, somewhere, may be waiting to hear your story.  

When the networks are looking to fill the gap, I will be waiting.  Make sure you continue to read my blog, watch my show on www.JESSICARECTOR.com, and make comments to me.  The more involved you get the better chance the show has to actually get on TV, which means the more publicity and advertising it gets, and in turn, the more people can be helped.  If you want to help people, first write to me and share your story.  You may become a guest on the show.  Next email your major networks, NBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, etc. and tell them about The JESSICARECTOR Show.  Make sure you include the website link.  Oh, and we are redesigning the website, so be on the lookout for it.  

Don't forget, send us your story at www.JESSICARECTOR.com.  We want to hear from you.  And Oprah, here we come...people sharing their life experiences to help others in their lives.  Educating and empowering others, what better way to make a difference and change the world...one story at a time...

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I AM...

I am a journalist, not because my degree says so.

I am a reporter, although I’ve never worked for a national news station.

I am an investigator, not only because the truth finds me.

I am a journalist, reporter, and investigator, because as my name jessICAREctor states, I care….To tell the stories of the people and to give…the people a voice.  So, tell me, what’s your story and who are you?

Tipping and the Service Industry

Why do some people think it's okay to leave a bad tip?  They want to go out and enjoy the service, but they don't want to tip what they should tip.

How do you know what to tip and to whom?  I completely understand this...in a world where it seems like everyone wants a tip for doing their job, who do you know who to tip.  

I will help you with this.  You should tip servers, bartenders, massage therapist, esthetician (or any service at the spa), hair stylists, just to name the more popular ones.

Now the baristas at your local coffee shop, you can tip, if your drink is difficult or you're a regular customer and they make your drink perfectly.  Actually, you can tip them a dollar just because.  You would be amazed to a service industry person how much an extra dollar from a person makes.  Just think, if everyone tipped a dollar over what they should, that makes a huge difference in that person's life.

Now for the service industry workers I mentioned earlier, how much should you tip?  People think that 15% is an acceptable amount.  Well, it's not.  You should tip 20% on the total bill.  The only reason not to tip 20% is if the server has a horrible attitude.  Just think when you have a bad day, it doesn't affect YOUR pay.  Remember the person could just be having a bad day...so have a little patience.

Now to those of you who think that anything under 20% is acceptable.  I understand you want to do whatever it is you're going to do, i.e. go to spa, restaurant, get your hair done, etc.  But if you can't afford a proper tip, then you can't afford to get the service.  Don't get the service and think, "Oh this is a lot of money I'm spending," and then decide to skim on the tip to save a few extra dollars.  It's not that person's fault that you are being cheap.  

This is how the people make their money, make their living.  You wouldn't want your boss you skim out a few thousand on you a year, because he/she was being cheap.  And yes, that's how much a service person misses out on a year for people skimming on the tip.

Oh, and if you eat out, and the food doesn't come out just the way you like it....like your steak is cooked wrong, most of the time, it's not the server's fault.  So, don't take it out on them in the tip.

There is no excuse for not tipping well.  If you're using a company credit card, don't use that as an excuse.  You can always add a few dollars of your own money in for the tip.  After all, you're getting the rest of the meal for free...on your company.  If you're with someone else who is paying and you don't know how they are going to tip, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and slide your server some money.

If the person is extra good, give him/her $5 more...better yet, $10 more, if you can afford it.  There's definitely nothing wrong with over tipping.  Everyone likes to make a little more money, especially in today's recession, when less people are getting services.   

I don't want to sway you from getting services, I just want to make sure when everyone does, they know how to properly tip.  Remember, if you can't tip correctly, then don't go for the service.  You wouldn't want someone to treat you that way, so why would you treat someone else that way?  After all, you're there to have a good time and enjoy yourself.  Leaving a proper tip can only add to the event, especially if you plan on returning there.

One Decision that Changes Your Life

Have you ever taken a moment to think about how one decision can change the rest of your life? I'm not even talking about major decisions like getting married, moving, etc. I'm talking about deciding whether to work out today or if you do, where to stand in the aerobics class.

Today, a Pennsylvania man went into a LA Fitness and opened fire a fitness room in the gym, killing five people and injuring about 15 others. It was reported that he didn't like women and that he had never lived with them.

This got me to thinking about the people that were killed or injured...what made them decide to go there today? Was one of them running late, and she decided to take the place by the door? Was another one self conscious and wanted to stay near the back of the room? These "small" decisions changed the rest of their lives. On the other hand, was there a lady who was new and wanted to be in the front next to the instructor? This choice may have saved her life.

Have you ever thought how one "little" decision can affect your life? I've thought about this before...how leaving late or dropping my keys on the way to the car may have saved me from getting in a car accident or something else.

It's amazing how we take things like this for granted....a car accident, a road closed, traffic...all of these things can actually happen for the best. These things can't helped, so you might as well look at it in the most positive light, like if it didn't happen, something horrible could have happened to you.

I'm sure when those ladies thought about going to the gym this morning, they thought how they needed to lose weight, stay in shape, or look good for some event. They probably never thought that today might be their last day. And if they did, would they spend it at the gym?

My heart goes out to those women and their families. I'm thankful that the women who didn't go to the gym today decided there was something else more important to do...that one decision could've saved their lives. And to the women that went, I'm sorry that one man, one man that had issues of his own, chose to change your life in the way he did. I'm sorry that he took away some of your lives, and I'm sorry he took choices away from you. I'm sorry for all that he will put your family through. I do know, however, you will get through this. It won't be easy, but there are others who have been through a similar situation. Make sure you talk about what happened, you share your feelings with your family and friends, and you get the support you need. In time, you will heal.

Fashion 101---Colors

For my talk show, www.jessICAREctor.com, I have to know a little about fashion, and I want to share some fashion tips with you. We are going to begin with Colors 101.
If you were to take a look into my closet, you would see how it was organized by color, from lightest to darkest. Then within each color, it is from lightest to darkest, solids to patterns. For the summer, the shirts go from strapless to straps to short sleeved. Let me tell you how much time it saves to organize your closet this way. I know my closet so well, that when I’m looking for a shirt, I can go to exactly where it would be. It doesn’t take me 10 minutes to sift through all my tops to find one shirt. If you’re like me, you wait until the last minute to get dressed, so you don’t have this extra time to find clothes you want.
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. We look at ourselves every day, but look at yourself and ask, “What colors look good on me?” The thing is…every color looks good on you, but you just have to find the right shade of color for your skin complexion.
For instance, I have blue eyes, and I can wear almost every shade of blue, because blue brings out my eyes. Darker blue doesn’t flatter me as much as a turquoise blue does. Hold the shirt up underneath your chin to see how it looks again your skin tone. Does it wash you out? Does it make your face look white or does it bring color to your skin? Does it make you look pale or does your face brighten up? You can compare different colors against your face in order to tell the difference in how shades look against your skin.
For instance, I can wear emerald and mint green but I can’t wear lime green. I can wear dark gray but not light gray. Light or vibrant yellow looks great on me but not mustard. I think orange is the hardest color to pull off. I definitely can’t wear bright orange, but I can wear melon or peach.
And, ladies, keep this in mind, if you drastically change your hair color, you may not be able to wear the same shades that you once could. My hair went from auburn to strawberry blonde, and I had to adjust my blouses accordingly.
I am not a fan of neutral colors, but I do have a lot of white, black, and white/black polka dot shirts. The reason why I have so many tops in these colors is because I love, love, love color. I not only love color in tops, but I love color on the bottom too. I have purple, turquoise, and hot pink pants, which I gotten a lot of compliments on. You don’t have to have confidence to buy these pants, but once you wear them, you’ll gain the confidence. People tend to really love these color of pants when I wear them. Now, keep in mind, these pants are not tight, showing off curve pants. They are straight-legged slacks. They don’t need to be tight, where you are saying, “Look at me; look at me!” You just want to add some vibrancy and brightness to your wardrobe.
If you wear these pants, you don’t need something loud on top. Even if a pattern top has the same color in it that’s in the bottom, don’t wear a pattern shirt with loud pants. You need to have balance in your outfit. A shirt with a pattern would make the outfit too busy, and you don’t want that.
If you live in the comfort zone of neutrals, meaning you only wear white, blacks, and tans. Get out of this place. I know a few people who only wear these three colors. It’s time to add some color. I know it’s difficult, because you’re comfortable wearing neutrals, but color can add so much to your wardrobe. Start small. Add a yellow ring, pink earrings, or red heels. Think about it…Picture it…a white top with black pants and some red heels. How much a difference a small pair of red heels can make in an otherwise very neutral outfit. Boom! It can, now, make the whole outfit, POP! And that’s what you want. You want people to not only like your outfit, but to love it! You want people to say, “That is an awesome outfit, and you can pull it off!”
All of that can be achieved with adding a little color to any wardrobe. If you have any questions, please email me. I would love to know how you add color to your life, how you brighten your outfits with color, and how I’ve helped you. I would love to hear your feedback. Email me….I want to hear from you.

30 and Never Had a Real Date

 I have to make a confession (one that is known by so few). Although I've hung out with a few guys, I have never had a real date. It seems a little weird to say that I am 30 and have never had a real date, but I know I can't be the only woman who this describes. It just boggles my mind, for whatever reason, this can occur to no fault of the woman. Let me explain. I am a reasonably intelligent, educated, passionate woman. I am a world traveler, who enjoys laughing, adventure, and loving life. Okay, so I am picky--very picky, with high expectations and standards. I have friends who want me to lower my standards, but to me that says they don't think I deserve what I think I deserve. I refuse to settle. I don't believe in doing it, and I have known too many people who have done it in various aspects of their lives.

In high school, I was never really interested in dating. I didn't think anything of this at the time, after all, I was more interested in hanging out with my friends. I did have this mad crush on a guy who was my friend, but he (I assume because everyone knew how much I liked him) didn't like me like that, which you will soon realize just happens to be a repetitive theme in my life. A few weeks before prom, I started talking to another guy, because I really wanted a prom date. We were having problems a couple days before prom, but I didn't want to end it, because we had already paid for everything for prom. I stuck it out, and it ended right after prom.

I went to college, As college goes, you're broke, and no one has money to go out on a real date. My freshman year, I hung out with a couple of guys. One heavily pursued me, and we started going out. Just as I really started to like him, Christmas came, and he became interested in someone else. My first semester sophomore year, I met a guy, and we started going out, which consisted of hanging out at his place most of the time. We went out to eat once in our three month relationship (which to this date in my life is still my longest relationship), but I had to pay for the both of us. He, very conveniently, "had no money." Second semester sophomore year, I met a group of guys. From that moment until the end of my college years, I hung out almost exclusively with this group and never really thought about dating. Okay, I thought about dating...one of them. We hung out, wanting to start something, and decided to tell the rest of the group. Needless to say, that was the beginning and the end of us.

After college, I had another mad crush on someone I worked with. Once again, he knew (as everyone knew) how much I liked him; and again, I could only assume, he didn't feel the same, although I was hoping and praying that would change...but oh, it never did. I changed jobs a year later. Six months after I started my job, I had lunch with a guy, as friends. We went dutch. Shortly after, we started seeing each other but never really went on a date. It ended in a month. A month later, I started seeing someone else. We hung out but, again, never went out, because he was broke. It lasted a month. That was 6, yes 6, years ago. And you know what? I haven't been out with anyone since. It's not that I don't want to, because I do...really, I do. I just don't know where to meet them. Bars and clubs aren't really my scene, plus how many relationships have worked out well from them. I'm not saying they can't work out, but I don't enjoy those scenes, so why would I go there in hopes of meeting someone? I haven't worked with anyone whom I'm interested in. My friends are married and know no good single men. I've asked them. I know some good single men still exist...but, where are they?

I've been asked my whole life, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" If I knew the answer to this question, which I hate, by the way, I would try to rectify it. Lately, I've been asked, "When are you getting married?" Well...you have to have been on a real date first. What really remains a mystery to me is how I am 30 years old and have never had a real date. How is that possible? Not because I am a supermodel, but I just never thought that I would be 30 and never been on a date. Most girls go on their first date when they are 16. So, I've missed that boat...by just a few years. I've heard numerous times, "It will happen when you are not looking." Well, I haven't really been looking for the last 30 years...and it has yet to happen.

I don't think my date expectations are too high. What I mean by a real date is dinner, one where I am not paying for him. Included in the date would be a movie, a comedy show, piano bar, nice walk, or anything that shows a little imagination is a nice touch. Shoot, who am I kidding? At this point, I would go for just dinner.

Also, my guy standards used to be a lot lower. They have risen a bit throughout the years. Okay, so I can tell you my "ideal" man (but then again, can't everyone?), but I'm willing to compromise on certain things (he doesn't have to be an architect). I'm not willing to settle, which is why my previous men encounters have lasted so briefly. I'm not the kind of woman who will go out with a guy for a free meal or just for the sake of going. If there's no potential for something more, I will end it. Hence, the one month encounters mentioned above.

In the last few years, I went out with this guy, and in three years, we never went out one time.  Can you believe we never went out?  Better yet, can you believe I stayed with someone who never took me out in three years?  Well, that's over, because I deserve and want better.  Also, recently, I have really enjoyed spending time with my girlfriends (although all are married). This may hinder my man situation just a bit. My friends are no longer looking, so when we go out, we don't go to the same places we would have gone when we were single. I can't really go looking for someone by myself. Okay, so maybe I haven't aggressively pursued to rectify this as much as I could. So if you don't meet someone at work or through a friend, where does a single girl go to become a "real" date for someone? I've asked around, and no one seems to have a definitive answer. Now...there's a real mystery for you. So, guys, anyone up for dinner?

Jennyslight.org

I love doing my show for so many reasons.  It took me so long to finally figure out what I wanted to do in life.  You can read about it in my bio.  But I'll share a little of it with you.

I refuse to settle in life.  I want the things that I want, and I won't apologize for wanting them.  I feel if someone tells you that you shouldn't go after what you want, then they aren't supporting you.  If someone tells you that you can't get the job, guy, or life you want, then they don't need to be in your life.  This is easier to say pertaining to friends than to family, but if your family thinks this, then be around them only when necessary.  Or don't mention these things when you are with them, if you know they are not going to have anything positive to say.  I feel that when people say you can't get the things you want, they are saying you should settle for something else.  I refuse to settle.

When I graduated college, the first time, I had no idea what I really wanted to do in life.  I was told by many others what they thought I should do.  I went into sales, thinking maybe that's what I wanted.  Well, I didn't like it at all, maybe it was because I was trying to sell copiers and fax machines...yawn (no offense to those that do sell those items).

I went back to school for my MBA.  I did that part-time for two years, then moved to Los Angeles.  I was there a year before I moved back to finish my MBA.  I didn't know, at that time, what I wanted to do.  I decided to take classes that interested me to try and figure out what I wanted to do.  I thought, "Well, if I don't know what I want to do, I can narrow it down by knowing what I didn't want to do."

I traveled a lot of the next two years, while getting my MBA.  I also lived in Norway for 6 months.  I met people from all over the world.  That one experience helped me to learn so much about other people, cultures, and lives...and it changed my life.  I graduated with my MBA and moved back to Los Angeles.

In my two years I was there, I had a friend who had a local talk show and thought I should try it.  I thought, "I don't really have much to say," although people who know me would disagree with that.  I then thought, "Well, other people have stuff to say." I started my show and, years later, I'm still loving it.  I meet so many new and interesting people.  But more than that, I hear so many amazing stories.  Experiences and issues I never would have thought about.  There are so many things that go on in peoples’ lives that, given all the time in the world, I would never imagine.  I enjoy hearing the stories.  It allows me to learn so much and helps me to become more involved.  We, as individuals, tend to not give much thought about issues that don't directly affect us.  This show allows us to give those issues more thought...to give them more consideration...and to provide more support and understanding to those that are facing these situations.

I have learned that we have to hurt, to face decisions, to experience life, in order to help others.  When we share all that, we can help ease the life of someone else.  Peoples' lives, peoples' stories affect me.  I recently read an article in Glamour Oct 2008 issue about postpartum depression.  Jenny had given birth to son, Graham.  Jenny's twin sister, Becky, visited her and a few weeks later, Jenny took Graham in the backyard and shot him and then herself.  Becky started www.jennyslight.org in honor of her sister and Graham.  According to the article, the doctors think she has postpartum psychosis.  Becky wants to make it mandatory for new mothers to receive mental health screening to prevent this from happening to others.

What can you do?  Get involved and help build awareness.  Contact Jenny's Light at www.jennyslight.org for more information or to donate to their cause.  If you have experienced postpartum, talk about it.  We got a glimpse of it when Brooke Shields and Tom Cruise had the "discussion" about taking medication for postpartum depression.  Don't wait for a celebrity to bring it to the forefront of the news to think it's okay to discuss it.

It's always okay to talk about it.  If you don't feel comfortable talking about it with your family or friends or you don't think they would understand, join a support group.  Call your local hospitals and find out if they have any recommendations for local support groups in your area.  Having the support is the key to dealing with and getting through anything.

Postpartum depression is a topic that we don't hear enough about.  If you have not directly experienced it, people tend to really not know what it's like.  We hear things like, ";I can't get out of bed," or "Being a mother is not what I thought it would be."  To most people who haven't been directly affected by postpartum depression, we might think we've thought how we can't get out of bed.  We wouldn't think thoughts like this would lead to killing yourself or your child.

Spreading the word and getting the information out about issues like this is important.  It's nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about.  The more we talk about our issues, the more aware we make people, the more we help others.  Don't you want to help others who may be experiencing the same symptoms you have/had.  For those of you who have recovered from postpartum depression, talk, talk, talk.  Let those who are currently experiencing it to know that they, too, can make it through and recover.  Let them know it's okay to feel the way they are feeling, that they will get better, and, most importantly, you are there for them.  There's nothing better to know that someone has been through the same thing you are going through, dealt with it, and got better.  Just to be able to talk with someone...makes all the difference in the world.  I know.

Although I've never had postpartum, I've learned that support, an ear, and a friend can get you through anything...and everything.  I hope this inspires you to, no matter what you've been through, you take the time to help someone else going through a similar issue or be a little more understanding when someone else is going through another experience.  Because, who knows, if you grew up the way they did, had the same experiences they had, and were at the same place as they are...you might likely do the exact same thing as they.  So, next time, you judge, think...that could be you, and that person is really not that different than you.

Talk, talk, talk, especially if it's a topic you "shouldn't" talk about...that's even more reason to discuss it...and spread the word and give hope to the world!